My morning did not start off on a good note and everything after that was affected by it. It was like falling dominoes knocking down one after the other. A bad event after the next. I thought that even though my morning started off with a huge headache that I would still manage to go through my classes. But I was (almost) deadly mistaken.
In my first class, we had to take a test and a partnered quiz. I thought this was fine and that I'd get through it. I have a good A in that class and so I wasn't too worried when I found out that I had screwed up on the test anyways after I turned it in. I blamed it on my headache. Then we had to partner up for a partner quiz, which I thought that the teacher would go around and quiz us but at that time I had been hopeful of that type of situation to happen. Yet I got a surprise and a nervous attack after I found out that we had to be quizzed in FRONT of the WHOLE CLASS! I wasn't freaking out at first but after watching the other students go up and taking the oral quiz my nerves built up. I was the person that was to describe the word that was displayed on the board and I didn't want to mess it up and make her (my partner) seem stupid, embarrassed or whatever. We both knew our words and definitions but I was the one that screwed everything up. I got a nervous attack. I felt everyone watching me, listening to whatever I said, whispering behind my back, and I felt...I don't know....pushed....no...more like pressured some how. I forgot the definitions at the last moment when we only had about 3 words left to go to get a full grade. I felt really bad. (We had to figure out the words within 2 mins.) I didn't want to make my partner seem like a fool or that was what I thought. I even felt pressured being with the partner I choose to partner up with. At some parts I felt like she was looking at me like I'm some weirdo because I couldn't explain the definitions to her understanding.
We switched places and got a really good score anyways because she wasn't the one with stage fright and explained this really well so that I'd get to guess the right words correctly. Even though, I still feel like I've just made a fool of myself and my partner in front of the whole class. In the beginning I thought I was ready for all of this. I didn't even feel nervous until it was close to our turn. At the end she went to her seat without even looking at me. I feel like I did something wrong or maybe it's my face. I know that my face does not show much of what I really want to show others. Sometimes people think I'm mad at them or something because of my face lacking facial expressions. I don't know. I just hope she isn't made at me. Even though we just barely got to know each other and I don't want things like this be like what she thinks in the future if we fun into each other.
My headache stayed with me well into the night. My mom used some Chinese remedies on me so I feel better now with a slight nagging headache. I just had to post up a journal because I feel like when I tired to bring it up to my friend or even if I brought it up, they didn't do or say anything that would make me feel like it was ok to be like that. That it was normal and one day you'll change that part of you. I've got the strength to try my hardest to change but I'm still weak to the point where I still need encouragement. I think it's too much to ask so I don't expect anything. That's why I'm trying my hardest to be strong with even the tiniest help along the way.
See I even feel a bit better after typing this up and boosting up myself.